Their Urgency is Not Your Emergency
The Chain Reaction of Other People's Panic
I was leading a workshop recently and we were discussing ways of supporting our well-being. The exercise we were working on was how to address rather than absorb emotions—ours and others. As part of this exercise, I asked participants to share some examples of topics that are frustrating for them. One participant shared about another co-worker's sense of urgency all of a sudden becoming her problem, too.
I hear that a lot—others' sense of urgency all of a sudden becomes your emergency, such as the colleague who waits until Friday afternoon to request the information they need by Monday morning; the administrator who bursts into your classroom during a lesson with an "urgent" request that could have been an email; or the parent who expects an immediate response to a message sent at 9 PM. Each scenario creates that familiar surge of stress hormones, the tightening in your chest, and that feeling that you must drop everything to respond.
When we are not in tune with what's happening for us, it's easy to fall into the trap of trying to be helpful. After all, we feel better when we can be useful to the other person. But when we fall into that habit of addressing someone else's urgent issues, then we get away from our internal attunement, and whether this issue actually is an emergency, or even needs to be addressed right now.
Your Brain on Other People's Urgency
There are many benefits to slowing down and assessing first, but often the swirl of our days can cause us to feel like we can't. The neuroscience of slowing down provides powerful insights. According to Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett's research, outlined in her influential book How Emotions Are Made, our brains are constantly constructing our emotional experiences through prediction and energy regulation. When we pause, we give our brains a chance to refine these predictions rather than defaulting to automatic, energy-intensive responses.
Barrett's work shows that emotions aren't simply reactions—they're constructed by our brains based on past experiences and current context. When we're constantly responding to others' urgency, our brain falls back on established patterns, allocating metabolic resources to what it perceives as threats. By pausing, we allow our brain's predictive machinery to recalibrate, potentially constructing a different emotional response that better serves our well-being. Research indicates that even a 30-second intentional pause can shift our brain's allostatic processes (the brain's energy regulation system), promoting more balanced energy use and allowing for more flexible, context-appropriate responses.
STOP: A Radical Act of Presence
Among one of the strategies I shared in a workshop last week, I offered the deceptively simple technique called STOP. This mindfulness practice originated in meditation traditions but has been adapted for everyday use in our demanding work environments. The version I'm offering here is meant to help you assess how you're doing, how you're feeling, and how to proceed with the situation at hand. It goes a little something like this:
Stop what you're doing. Like, everything. Put down your phone, step away from your computer, pause the conversation. This physical interruption breaks the automatic pilot response that often drives our reactions to others' urgency.
Take a breath. How you breathe matters. Try one of these evidence-based breathing techniques:
Square breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4, and repeat. This pattern helps regulate your nervous system when you're feeling overwhelmed.
4-7-8 breathing: Inhale quietly through your nose for 4 counts, hold your breath for 7 counts, then exhale completely through your mouth for 8 counts. This technique activates your parasympathetic system, creating a natural tranquilizing effect.
Observe your emotions, physical sensations, and surrounding environment. In this pause, ask yourself, "How am I doing right now? How am I feeling? What sensations are present in my body? What urgency does this situation pose to me? What's the appropriate response to this situation?" This observation creates space between stimulus and response.
Proceed with intention rather than reaction. From this centered place, choose your next action deliberately.
From Plowing Through to Conscious Choice
Next time, when a colleague sends that email marked "URGENT" in all caps, practice STOP before responding. Notice your body's reaction—the quickened pulse, the tension in your shoulders. Ask yourself: "Is this truly an emergency for me? What boundaries do I need to hold here?" Then proceed with intention rather than impulse.
I can be a stressed out person, and when I have a lot on my plate, my tendency used to be to plow through. Now, I stop. I breathe. I take in my surroundings and assess my internal landscape. I consider, "What is it I actually need to do versus what I think I actually need to do?" And then I proceed. This process doesn't magically knock items off the to-do list, but it does decrease my worry about the list itself. It helps me to get more air into my body, regulate my brain's energy consumption (what Barrett calls the "body budget"), and engage the predictive mechanisms that help me think more clearly about what actually deserves my attention right now. Instead of my brain predicting threat and urgency in response to someone else's emergency, I can construct a different emotional experience—one of centeredness and intentional choice.
Your Urgency is Not My Emergency
The beauty of this practice lies in its simplicity and its power. Each time we choose to pause before responding to someone else's urgency, we reclaim our agency. We create a sacred space between what happens and how we address it—that small but mighty gap where our freedom to choose lives.
Imagine what's possible when you no longer absorb others' emergencies as your own. Imagine keeping your energy intact for what you actually need to address, where your boundaries are clear, and where your responses arise from centered presence rather than frantic reaction. Imagine what's possible when you remember that their urgency is not your emergency—and you have a tool to respond accordingly.
